Feeling Embraced: Clyde Walter’s Story

 

“St. Luke’s, as a community of the people of God, affirms its intention to openly welcome and value every person who walks through our doors regardless of race, national and ethnic origins, age, mental and emotional condition or capacity, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, economic situation and those who suffer from addictions.

We affirm that we are all unique individuals created by God, in need of God’s forgiveness, and worthy of God’s love and mercy.

All persons named and unnamed above are welcome within the membership of our congregation upon making the same affirmation of faith that all other members make.”

 – St. Luke’s Statement of Welcome and Affirmation [adopted June 13, 2004]

I feel like I’ve had two coming out experiences in my life… the first, when I was 19, coming out as a gay man. The second, when I was 33 years old, coming out as someone who lives with Bipolar 2.

When I came out as gay at the age of 19, I was definitely anxious and felt shame. I had been wrestling for over three years by that point with the understanding that I was gay. It was the early 2000s and while LGBT identities (and those were the only letters socialized then) had mainstreamed in some ways through the first movies and primetime shows with gay characters, Pride parades, and the like, it was still a segregated image and a segregated experience. It seemed like there was gay life and then there was normal life. And that’s what it felt like too. And at that point in my life, I didn’t like the idea of having to choose between the two. While I eventually came out and that allowed me to live more fully as my true, whole self, it took me a long time to feel fully integrated as a person. Almost 15 years maybe.

It turns out that integration of identity is pretty pivotal to mental health and wellness. Being integrated and proud of my queer identity is important to my wellness, wholeness, and fullest functioning. It’s taken time, but I’ve learned to love and more fully integrate that part of myself with who I am and how I show up in any given space.

When I was diagnosed 5 years ago with Bipolar 2, which made better sense of the varying experiences of highs, lows, and anxiety that were apparent – and finally offered a fitting pharmaceutical intervention (1 easy pill a day – the right one finally) – I didn’t feel shame or anxiety… I felt clarity and pride. I felt like I better understood myself. I was proud about the ways I’ve navigated various challenges and excited to have better understanding of ways to navigate forward. I almost feel like coming out about living with Bipolar 2, and the sense of strength and pride I seek in that, has also deepened my sense of pride in my queer identity. We are who we are. We are what we’re born with. We are our lived experiences. We are all of the identities that we bear. And showing up with all of that is not only critical to true well-being, but also incredibly enriching for the spaces we show up. That’s what I seek to celebrate this month, and always.

Now to tie this to the impact that St. Luke’s has had in my life…some of you know that I grew up in Park Ridge. And I grew up in the Roman Catholic tradition. When I was wrestling with my sexuality later in high school, it was a comfort to know that St. Luke’s was becoming a Reconciling in Christ congregation (20 years ago this month!), offering a kind of identity affirmation that I was not used to from church. You see, I very much felt called to my Christian faith and I very much believed God wouldn’t innately design something in me that could truly be a sin. That understanding was not promoted widely in church communities then. But it was at St. Luke’s. Even years before I would step inside these doors, I was feeling a Christian embrace that was so meaningful and vital in my life.

After fully accepting my sexuality my sophomore year at Augustana, and intentionally aligning with the ELCA, I began attending services at St. Luke’s occasionally when I was home on college breaks. Again, I felt that I could be my integrated gay Christian self here in this place, this community of faith.

When Pastor Kyle and I moved to Des Plaines in 2020, St. Luke’s was again a community I felt called to where I knew I’d be welcome and embraced as I am – gay, Christian, singer, church nerd, foodie, and all else that I am an I bring. And in the proceeding few years, I’ve felt supported and sustained in those things, including mental health understanding and advocacy. Several among you have shared your hope for St. Luke’s to be a safe place that fosters mental health understanding and support. Several among you have shared YOUR vulnerable stories around mental health in your families. And that has been so embracing for me.

So, St. Luke’s, you’ve made a difference at a few key milestones in my life. And you continue to do so. Thanks be to God for you.

 

Sincerely,
Clyde Walter